Sexy Movies: A Royal Affair

Summary: A ROYAL AFFAIR is the true story of an ordinary man who wins the queen's heart and starts a revolution. Centering on the intriguing love triangle between the ever more insane Danish King Christian VII (Mikkel Boe Følsgaard), the royal physician who is a man of enlightenment and idealism Struensee (Mads Mikkelsen) and the young but strong Queen Caroline Mathilda (Alicia Vikander), A ROYAL AFFAIR is the gripping tale of brave idealists who risk everything in the pursuit of freedom for their people... and above all, it is the story of a passionate and forbidden romance that changed an entire nation.

Cast: Mad Mikkelsen, Alicia Vikander, Mikkel Føsgaard
Rating: R
Theater or DVD: DVD, Netflix (streaming)
Where to buy it: Amazon, Barnes & Noble
Watch the trailer: YouTube

Anyone who has been watching the NBC’s Hannibal is familiar with the enigmatic charm and intensity of Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen, who plays the notorious serial killer and title character. What they might not know is he has had a long career of playing equally alluring characters. His most recent film, A Royal Affair, being a fine example of his talent and smoldering sex appeal.

Where do I even start with this movie?

I’m a sucker for costume drama, especially when it is based on historical events. Fair warning to anyone who doesn’t like to read and watch at the same time, this film is subtitled. It didn’t bother me at all, in fact hearing the actors speak in their native tongue (and occasionally in English) only added to the atmosphere and authentic feel of the film. I felt like I was getting a secret peek into that moment in time.

A Royal Affair does some things differently than most English-language period pieces. First off, we start the story with Caroline, played by Swedish actress Alicia Vikander, opposed to either of the two male counterparts. I loved this choice, not only because I’m a woman who loves seeing female characters center stage in a movie. Because I am a foreigner to the time and country, Caroline became my guide in this new world and story. Which, not surprisingly, made her a very sympathetic character.

I was, however, surprised how much I sympathized with Christian, the “crazy” king, who most historians believe was probably bi-polar. He is played expertly by Mikkel Boe Følsgaard, who made his debut in the film. Følsgaard brought a child-like quality to the character that was as endearing as he was disturbing.

Seeing the uncomfortable incompatibility between these two really brought home the ugly reality of arranged marriages and the burden of royalty. I especially felt for Caroline, an educated and well read young woman who is trust into a foreign country mired in a conservative culture that actively banned all materials that challenged the power of the crown or the church. Trapped in a loveless marriage when a man who was more of a child than a king, Caroline took comfort in trying to be a good mother and queen. Though in the country's complex political structure, the king's council (a group of stuffy, conservative  and wealth aristocratic men) where the true rullers of the country.

The movie takes place during one the most tumultuous times in European history known as the Age of Enlightenment. It was an intellectual movement that resembles our modern culture in many ways, especially in it’s views of class equality, separation of government and religion and support of medical science. In Denmark at the time, such thinking was seen as sacrilegious, and even treason.

Enter Johann Friedrich Struensee, played by Mikkelsen, a simple country doctor. The son of a pastor, who is also a man of enlightenment, who had anonymously published scandalous papers challenging the position of the church in governmental affairs and proposed inoculations for smallpox, among other things.

The unconventional doctor finds himself in the unique position of becoming the royal physician. He gains the trust and friendship of the King. Soon catches the attention and eventually the heart of the young queen. And that’s when all hell broke loose.

This movie is entrancing both in it’s visuals, breath-taking landscapes and lavish costumes, but also in the flawless performances. I was truly swept away in the story. Unlike a lot of period dramas it’s wasn’t the spectacle that won me over, but the heartbreakingly honesty in the portrayals of these historical characters as real, passionate and deeply flawed people.

Of course, this is the a PPSS recommendation so it goes without saying that the sex scenes were spellbinding and sensual. Fans of Mister Mikkelsen will not be disappointed. I may have done a bit of rewatching of certain scenes, for research. ;)

Sex and fine-ass actors aside, this is one of the best films of 2012. It should be on the Netflix queue, or dvd shopping list of fans of costume dramas, Mads Mikkelsen and/or historical romances. I cannot promise a happily ever after, but it will be worth the tears.

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Covering up your Amazon tracks, dildos, salt & sunscreen

  Sexy News

A weekly round up on sexual health and entertainment news.

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General

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You Don't Have to Have Kids to Be a Great Mother
I'm sure many of you are parents, but I am a 40-something-year-old woman who is childless by choice. It's nice to see an article talk about what we, as childless adult women, can contribute to the world. I am "mom" to two feline furkids, I'm "favorite aunt" to my friends' 12-year-old, and I love being able to be that "trusted adult" to many of the kids in my life. Children were not in the cards for me for a number of reasons, but for those of us who are childless, we still have a great deal to give. Better yet, we enjoy doing it.

Gate to Hell found in Turkey
Pluto's gate, which marked the entrance to the underworld, was found in Turkey recently.

According to D'Andria, the site was a famous destination for rites of incubation. Pilgrims took the waters in the pool near the temple, slept not too far from the cave and received visions and prophecies, in a sort of oracle of Delphi effect. Indeed, the fumes coming from the depths of Hierapoli's phreatic groundwater produced hallucinations.

Fully functional until the 4th century AD, and occasionally visited during the following two centuries, the site represented "an important pilgrimage destination for the last pagan intellectuals of the Late Antiquity," Filippini said.

No word on any highway or the presence of handbaskets. (Yes, I did blog this just to write that joke.)

Q&A: Covering Up Your Amazon Tracks
I'm probably not the only one who occasionally searches for something on Amazon that I don't want others to know I've been searching for. You know, like 55-gallon barrels of lube, or something. I've always wondered how to cover up my tracks on Amazon, so here's some information on how to do that. Good to know. (Note: Be sure to read some of the comments on the 55-gallon barrel of lube. You're welcome.)

Health

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The Unsafe Sex: Should The World Invest More In Men's Health?
For most of the men in my life a trip to the doctor only happens if they're really sick. Most of the major health initiatives championed by the United Nations has focused on women's and maternal health. Traditionally women have been more economically disadvantaged than men, and in some parts of the world the focus on maternal health ends up benefiting both male and female children.

Hawkes says that when you look at recent data, men lose three times more years of healthy living than women because of tobacco, alcohol and unsafe driving.

"It's cool to be a man that smokes and drinks — who drives a fast motorbike, or fast cars," she says. "If you were really serious about saving lives, you would spend money tackling unhealthy gender norms" that promote these risky behaviors.

Should we invest more in men's health? Theres no real consensus, but it's worth noting that women still tend to outlive men. Tackling those unhealthy gender norms might be the way to go.

A 93-year-old neuroscientist explains how memory works
If you've got an hour I highly recommend you check out Neuroscientist Brenda Milner's explanation of how memory works. I find all of this very interesting, and after so many years studying memory she's one of the best experts to explain it.

6 'Harmless' Fads That Caused Widespread Destruction
From radium to killer wallpaper, things that were once the toast of the town turned out to be killers. At a time when we're constantly hearing that things are great/terrible for you, I often wonder what's next.

The Great Salt Debate: So Bad?
Is Eating Too Little Salt Risky? New Report Raises Questions
Speaking of things that are bad for you, is a low-sodium diet the best way to go? Maybe not...

This week, experts convened by the Institute of Medicine concluded that "the evidence on direct health outcomes does not support recommendations to lower sodium intake ... to or even below 1,500 mg per day." The current recommendation is not to exceed 2,300 mg per day, though most Americans do. This slight paradigm shift -- to an idea that less salt is not always better, which is already disputed and will be slow to be accepted...

As it turns out, eating too little salt could lead to health risks. At this point it's probably best to rely on the advice of your doctor, but it is something to keep in mind.

Sunscreen Ratings: The Best and Worst for Beach Season 2013
It's that time of year again in the northern hemisphere! Sunscreen is incredibly important year round, but especially as the weather warms and we run around without as many layers on. Not only can it help prevent skin cancer, but it helps with sun-related aging as well. This list is a useful guide not only to some of the best sunscreens, but good tips in general.

Sex

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Dildology: Doing the dirty work so you don’t have to
Dildology.org
My first vibrator was a $10 piece of crap. I'm not sure what kind of plastic it was made of, but it sucked. A group folks have gotten together to create a site that will independently evaluate toys and report on what they're made of and how safe those materials should be.

The sex toy industry is on the rise, yet it remains largely unregulated. Dildology.org intends to provide material verification services and maintain a public database of the results, adding transparency and oversight to the industry while educating the public about the science behind pleasure products. We stand on our own, uninfluenced, and we are dedicated to protecting the health and wellbeing of the dildo-loving population at large through education (and maybe a little entertainment).

I've been doing a lot of reading on the materials used to make toys, and I've begun looking more carefully at my collection. Looks like others have been doing the same, and it's great to see that there's a group ready to do the "dirty work" for the rest of us.

Ten myths about the Victorians
This isn't just about sex, but items 1-5 cover Victorian sex myths. For example:

When it came to sex, the Victorians weren't "repressed".

At least, not all of them were, and there is plenty of evidence that they were no more puritanical or prudish than we are. Many of them enjoyed reading explicit accounts of sex – one of the best-selling books of the late nineteenth century was a long and frank account of the exploits of a man named "Walter", titled My Secret Life – and the "close your eyes and think of England" idiom appears to have been a later idea.

One of my furkids' names is Walter. I didn't need that mental pic. Still, I'd love to get my hands on that book, just to check it out. Since I don't have "Walter's book" here's some old time porn photography instead.

LGBT

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Lesbian Parents Say Texas Judge's 'Morality Clause' Ruling Will Force Them Apart
This makes me incredibly angry.

For gays and lesbian living in Texas, the state's prohibition on same-sex marriage does not simply limit whom they can and cannot marry. The ban also affects everything from medical power of attorney and estate planning, to parental custody.

According to a statement emailed to The Huffington Post by Barrett Stern, Compton and Price's attorney, the state's morality clause makes it illegal for Compton to have anyone she is dating or is intimate with -- but is not related to by blood or marriage -- be at her home with her two children after 9 p.m. Price currently lives with Compton but cannot marry her because the state of Texas forbids such a union.

This is a prime example of why marriage equality is important in all fifty states. My heart breaks for this family, but unfortunately Texas is not the most welcoming place for non-traditional families.

Archie Comics' Gay Kiss Pokes Fun At Real Controversy
Betty and Veronica was the first comic characters I really fell in love with. I read Archie comics and Betty and Veronica "double digests" all the time as a kid.

Parent said he wrote the story after efforts to remove a comic magazine showing Keller getting married drew at complaints. One Million Moms, a project of The American Family Association, asked Toys R Us not to display "Life With Archie" No. 16 near its checkout aisles. Toys R Us did not, and the issue went on to sell out its print run.

Parent called the new story a "playful poke" at the protest.

Nice to see that this comic is still out there entertaining with a bit of a message.

Science and the Environment

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The first GIFs? Prehistoric rock carvings become 'animated' under sunlight
Major motion pictures from our prehistoric past
Rock art from 7,000 BC appear like cells of an animated film to scientists:

"Watching the sun arc and fall over one of these panels and seeing the individual figures leap out then disappear was revelatory," said Frederick Baker, a researcher at Cambridge's McDonald Institute for Archaeological Research, in a news release. "They form a landscape-based proto-cinema."

The second link has a video showing some computerized animations. They're a window into our distant ancestors. Very, very cool stuff.

Dark, massive asteroid to fly by Earth on May 31
This year I'm hoping my birthday doesn't end with a big bang. This is yet another example of why we need to watch the skies. The flyby will be 3.6 million miles away, but that's still relatively close.

Scientists are not sure where this unusually large space rock, which was discovered 15 years ago, originated from. But the mysterious sooty substance on its surface could indicate it may be the result of a comet that flew too close to the sun, said Amy Mainzer, who tracks near-Earth objects at Jet Propulsion Laboratory in La Cañada Flintridge. It might also have leaked out of the asteroid belt between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter, she said.

This one will miss us, but there's always a chance that the next one won't.

10 Facial Reconstructions of Famous Historical Figures
It's hard to know, of course, how true these representations are. That said, they are fascinating.

Forensic facial reconstruction using scans of skeletal remains allows researchers to create 3D models of the face through a combination of science, history, and artistic interpretation. The results may be somewhat subjective, but they’re fascinating anyway.

Is it just me, or does Richard III look a bit like Jennifer Lawrence?

WTF

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Oh Hey, It's a Naked Man on a Scooter, Carrying a Crucifix

I got nothin'.

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Fandom Primer: Spartacus

The television show Spartacus portrays the decadence and brutality of ancient Rome at it’s height. This is a no-holds barred kaleidoscope of graphic violence, artful sensuality and gut-wrenching human tragedy. We see under the skin of excess and riches of Roman civilisation and learn that the prosperity of wealthy is watered with the blood slaves. One such slave takes center stage and the title role of this liberal reimagining of one of the most famous men in history. Spartacus, a Thracian gladiator who leader of one of the largest slave uprisings in the history of Rome.

Over the course of four seasons (three full season and one prequel mini series) we follow Spartacus’ journey from a enslaved warrior turned famous gladiator as he becomes a leader of an army of freed slaves. His story is not of just one man’s struggle for freedom, but that of a diverse cast of people who come from every level of Roman society and all the corners of the known world. Gladiators, Military generals, noble women and their politician husbands, even humble house slaves make up the vibrant lives portrayed on the show. Through their eyes we view this cruel, opulent world in all of it’s beauty and ugliness.

This show isn’t for the faint of heart. There is blood, guts and lots of sex, played out in graphic detail. However, it is also well written, with vivid and compelling characters who capture your heart even as their tragic lives tear it to pieces.

One of the most fascinating things about this show is that the creators have chosen to show historically accurate depictions of sex and relationships. This includes homosexual, heterosexual and polyamorous sex portrayed on screen. That’s right, there are two canon gay couples in the series as well as rampant bisexuality on the part of many of the characters in the show. How many shows on television have this kind of sexual diversity? Not many. With such fruitful grounds the fan fiction is ripe with sexual possibilities.

Below we have a sampling of Spartacus fan fics that are sure to whet your appetite. Take a taste of a new fandom and see if you might like more. Trust us, you will.

Femslash

Femslash is present more so in the Spartacus fandom than many others, due in part to the fluid sexuality of the female leads in canon. Despite their beauty and refinement these women are often as ruthless and bloodthirsty as any gladiator. They love and fuck just as any modern woman, but here the stakes are often higher. While ancient Rome was wonderfully diverse, it was still staunchly patriarchal. Women were property and the conduits of bloodlines. Despite these seemingly powerless roles these women are often the driving force for much of the conflicts in the world of Spartatcus. The femslash of this fandom reflects the strength and passion of these complex women.

Games We Play by Sami This fic captures so perfectly the viciousness and intense connection between women in this Roman world. The roles they play, they way they treat sex as both a tool for power and an escape from reality. Lucretia and Ilithyria are completely in canon, and this moment is a perfect manifestation of the tension that is building between them on the show, and has clearly been sealed in the blood that spilt by Ilithyria. There is no gentleness or subtly, it is clearly stated that they will be fucking eachother, hard and deep, and without apology.

A Woman’s Power by AthenaMou One of the most compelling things, for me, about the Spartacus series, is the organic portrayal of sexuality. There is no questions of appropriateness or internal dogmatic conflict over attraction and desire, there is only the distance between to bodies, and the consent given to touch. Here, Gaia recollects her youthful sexual excursions with Lucretia while contemplating disavowing her slave girl if a bit of innocence for her own pleasure. Experienced and unapologetic hands make this fic even steamier than the heat from the bath. Through Gaia’s perspective, AthenaMou sums up Roman life succinctly:

Men were for power and women for pleasure.

In Spartacus fandom slash reigns supreme. This has a lot to do with the slash couples that are canon, though slash fan fiction isn’t restricted to just the gay characters on the show. The ancient world was a lot more accepting of different sexual orientations than many modern cultures, and thank goodness for us, it gives a wonderful setting for characters to get down and dirty.

Funeral Custom by sylvanwitch
In this beautiful short fic we’re given background about the relationship between Gaius Claudius Glaber and his fellow soldier, Marcus. It’s a brief glimpse into Gaius’ memories, while he mourns the loss of his faithful friend, but the passion and love conveyed in the first coupling is tangible. There’s a stark intensity to this fic. The sex and emotional connection between these two men of war is compelling and heartbreaking in away. As is Gaius’ stoic demeanor, despite the depth of emotion that’s brewing in his mind and heart. It’s fic like this that proves that you don’t need a lot of words to tell a great story and that a small moment in canon can convey a much bigger story.

Nagron (Agron/Nasir) is the hottest and most popular ship in Spartacus fandom. They get new fics everyday and have countless tumblrs dedicated to them. Why so popular? Well, they are one of the canon slash relationships, but that’s not the only thing that makes these two so compelling. The on screen chemistry of the two actors and the way they portray natural the love between the characters feeds into the love for the pairing.

It took one onscreen kiss to win the hearts of countless fans and draw new viewers to the show. A single kiss that exploded through the Spartacus fandom and bled out onto the internet. As their relationship continued grow the imagination of fan fiction writers caught fire. Below is a sampling of some Agron/Nasir fan fiction that will help whet the appetite of the curious.


Belonging by missxtravesty
Belonging is a short one shot that explores the newly forming relationship between Nasir and Agron. Here we see an economy of words, but the deep well of passion and tenderness. The erotic content is subtle, but the implications of what is shown hit you right below the belt. We are shown that these men are exploring every aspect of their developing relationship. EVERY aspect.

Sometimes The Only Way To Go Up, Is To Go Down by Grotesque

It's a different take with a modern-day setting, a sexually powered story with a dash of humour on top. The story revolves around a straight Agron who gets accidentally involved in the gay porn industry with Nasir as his coach. This equal s lots of sex and laughs ~ Kristie

Jealous Agron by Emptypalm
This amazingly hot, intense little one shot shows the less tender side of these men. What happens when another man makes a play for Nasir? Will Agron stand for it, or will he stake his claim in his usual fashion. This is a fun, sexy and naughty ride. If you like it when men go all “cave man” over their partner, then you’re gonna love watching Agron go all “gladiator” on the fool who is dumb enough to hit on his man.

I'll splatter Colour on This Grey by peloquine

Agron is coping with the death of his brother. Only he's not. Not particularly well at least. Lots of angsty goodness but not the type that gets on your nerves. Agron is grieving and pushing everyone who loves him away. Then Nasir comes into his life and he won't leave. You'll love both of the men so much in this story (even though you probably love them already. Agron for his vulnerability and Nasir for his strength and selflessness. The thing that keeps you reading is the sweet yet rewarding pain of Agron's recovery and the angonising wait for those two idiots to tell each other they love each other. ~ Queenofquill

I Will Shoulder Weight by agggron
Is a bit of an alternate universe story, because it diverges from canon in some regards (which is natural when you’re writing fic for a tv show that is still on the air). Here we have Agron and Nasir’s relationship as explicit from the beginning, both knowing they want to be together and working toward the shared goal. While the storyline is slightly divergent, it still stays relatively close to the events happening in the show. It’s a wonderful inside look into these characters’ off screen life and it shows the blossoming passion between two lovers that are delayed in expressing that love fully. The UST is amped up high on this one, ladies. Prepare accordingly.

Ability by betterrecieved

It was written right after The Dead and the Dying came out, and all the fandom was in a very emotional place, so it really stuck with me. The structure of it is really beautiful. It’s a tiny fic, but it’s so full of pain, tenderness and love. Tinted with a few lines of delicious porn, too. ~ Shittershutter


Domesticity by Emptypalm
This is a beautiful one shot that explores what the future might hold for these two warriors. It takes place approximately ten years after the events in the current season. The are no longer on the run, no longer constantly fighting for survival. They have a home and family, including a young son. I will not spoil the surprise of how little Duro became part of their world, but his presence and how he affects both his father’s life is the stuff of epic heart clenching. This is unapologetic fluff smut, that gives fans of this couple a hopeful future for their favourite pairing. The story has a calming almost majestic tone. We view their life through Agron’s eyes and deeply felt emotions. Through him we feel the monumental gift this life is for him and how much he loves both his partner and his son. This is fic could bring even the hardest hearted readers to their knees. We dare you to read it and not feel your heart warm at the beauty of their Happily Ever After.

Resources for finding Spartacus Fan Fiction:
Blood and Sand Fic: A LiveJournal community for Spartacus fan fiction.
All Spartacus: A LiveJournal Community for all things Spartacus related. From Episodes discussions, information on the actors and fan ficiton.
Spartacus2010: A LiveJournal community for Spartacus fan fiction.
Agron/Nasir: A New LiveJournal community for the pairing Agron/Nasir. The group is packed with other fans of the pairing, fanart, fan fiction and more.
Epic Slash: A LiveJournal community dedicated to slash fan fiction set in the ancient world (Trojans, Romans, Macedonians, etc).

Spartacus Kink Meme: A Kinky Fan Fic prompt fest sponsored by the Spartacus 2010 LJ community. 
Agron & Nasir Storyline: If you're not a fan of violence, but would like to follow the Nagron storyline this site has ever clip featuring them through out the series.
Nagron Library: A Tumblr archive of Nagron fan fiction.

Read more »

Something Sexy in the Air...

So just in case you didn’t know. We are going fandom crazy in Pervy Picspirations at the moment... We are using the theme of Elements for the next two months. The last three weeks were down and dirty earth. You can look back at any of our previous fandom selections here. But now it is the turn of the element Air. Let your love of fandom make you soar. What fandom will these sexy delights tempt you to write for? Feel the rush of sexy fandom air! Whatever your fandom! Get inspired, get sexy, and get writing! And don’t forget more elements and more fandoms will be added over the next weeks so keep checking back and get writing! Let the inspiration flow!

Read more »

ANNK Merry Masturbation Month Part 2!

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DISCLAIMER:

The information and advice from Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy is for entertainment/educational purposes only and is not intended to be used as expert medical advice. It is not meant to replace the advice of your physician. All medical advice and information should be considered to be incomplete without a physical exam, which is not possible without a visit to your doctor.

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Before launching into more masturbation questions, Naughty Nurse Kimpy point out I Feel Myself, a website that shows images of women masturbating. You can get some great ideas on how other people achieve an orgasm solo. It’s graphic, of course, but also instructive and erotic.

The first part of this week’s post covers more reader questions about masturbation. The second part are tips on jilling off that my fellow Pervs were kind enough to gather up for your benefit. Relax, have a glass of wine, and enjoy.

Okay Nurse Kimpy, here's the dealio. I'm a virgin and every time I get off, I'm never fully satisfied. I got to sleep feeling I could go ages but my arm would fall off. I get off with just clit stimulation. I don't have or use a dildo or vibrator. What do you think I should do to feel satisfied. It came on all of a sudden too, and yes I get off every night. Does getting off every night have something to do with it? Thanks for your advice!

Do not ever feel like you have to fess up that you get off every night. Naughty Nurse Kimpy doesn’t judge; honest. If she did, she’d be one heck of a hypocrite. Just saying.

As we discussed in last week’s post All About Masturbation, Part I, in general, the more frequently you masturbate, the less intense your orgasms will be. It doesn’t matter if you’re using your own hand, a dildo, or a vibrator, that concept will hold true.

If you want to experiment, try holding off for a longer period of time. Let your sexual tension build up over a day or two, then allow yourself to get off--my guess is that it will be more intense for you. Also, please take the time to read the jilling off tips listed below, or the I Feel Myself website. They should give you some great tips, too.

okay question how long should it take you to have an orgasm with clit stimulation? It seems to take me a long time and i worry that i am abnormal. I do seem to have extra skin around there making it harder for the big O to come. I know everyone is different but I am beginning to feel abnormal.

Oh, my dear reader, you *know* there’s no such thing as abnormal here at Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy; there are only varying degrees of human experiences. There is no pre-ordained time limit on orgasms, so please, please, please DO NOT time yourself. It’s only going to make it more difficult for you to get where you need to go! If it takes you a long time, so what? In the end, you get your orgasm, and that’s really what’s at stake here, isn’t it? Take all the time you need, and enjoy every second of it.

If you want to do something to heighten your arousal level before you start to masturbate, look at some porn, read some erotica, or some other activity that really gets you going. If you wait to touch yourself until you’re more aroused, that can speed up the process. However, I want to emphasize that there is no time limit on orgasms, so just go with the flow, however long that takes.

As for your extra skin around your clit, my guess is that you have a large clitoral hood. For some individuals, they use one hand to pull back on the clit, exposing more of the clitoral surface area. Simply use your index and middle finger and put them above your clit, then pull the skin upwards. Voila! Your clit is exposed, and thus, more sensitive.

OK, this makes me feel like I am admitting a dirty little secret.
I am 23 and I have never had the pleasure of a orgasm. Wow that feels good to admit.
I have had sex, and it feels good, but never good enough, it never gets me to the end. It just leaves me wanting more, feeling frustrated and eventually weird.
I have masturbated... a lot! But once again I can't reach the end I want, no NEED to.
I feel like there is something wrong with me.
I have even considered going to see my doctor, but I just can't bring myself to do it, so I am hoping you can help me.
Could it be possible that I can't actually orgasm? What's wrong with me!

I doubt that you are unable to orgasm, it’s just that you haven’t found the way to unlock that secret. Please, do me a favor, and stop believing that there is something wrong with you! As I’ve said many times, your brain is one of the most powerful pieces in your sexual responsiveness, and if you go around worrying that there is something wrong with you, you might become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One thing you might want to consider is buying a small, inexpensive vibrator, to see if that helps you get where you need to go. They’ve started to sell these in the same area as the condoms are located in stores like Target and Walgreen’s. It might prove to be the missing link for your orgasms, and it’s worth a try. Check out the jilling off tips listed below; hopefully, they will give you some more ideas. If none of these things end up working, please let me know, and we’ll look for more information on how to get your issue resolved. I just try to keep my readers satisfied, if you KWIM. *wink*

OK. I'm your typical never-been-kissed case and never-felt-the-big-O. What does it feel like? What I'm getting at is that when I try to masturbate it's sort of painful (even when I go super light). I know it is supposed to feel good but maybe some women can't masturbate? I touch all the right places but it never seems to get me anywhere close to what a orgasm is ever described as. Am I broken?

i have trouble reaching orgasm when i masturbate. i am a virgin and have tried masturbating however each time it ends in the same result. nada. i can feel the built up and then i get to a point that it all becomes to sensitive and i cant go any further. i have tried experimenting touching different areas with varying degrees of pressure but with no result. any hints?

Why am I not satisfied every time I get off? I'll go to sleep feeling that I should have more but if I give myself more, my arm will fall off. I'm not getting off with a vibrator or dildo, and I'm not entering my fingers in me or anything, it's just purely clit stimulation. What can I do to not feel like that? I guess I should throw in there that I am a virgin. Help Nurse Kimpy.

Can a virgin masturbate? I've tried a couple times but touching my nipples and clit don't feel good to me. In fics it's supposed to feel good. Also, sticking my fingers inside doesn't exactly feel like anything either. I have no access to any 'helpful devices', so that's out. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? Or is there something wrong with me?

All right, my lovely virgins, gather round. Yes, indeed, virgins of all shapes and sizes can masturbate and have orgasms, I assure you! Also, non-virgins that are still chasing that elusive solo ‘O’ should come take a look, because even women who are sexually active may not be getting everything they could out of masturbation. The Pervs have gotten together and created a list of lovely instructions for how to jack jill off--please read and enjoy!

Comfort. Find a comfortable place, both in the physical and psychological sense. Physically, you need to be relaxed so I would suggest your bed or a warm bath (if these are comfortable place for you). Privacy (at least initial) is very important. If you’re worried that your roommate or partner might walk in on you, it can make it very hard for you to relax. If your living situation is such that privacy is an issue (you still live at home, have a roommate or little kids, etc), I would suggest using a room with a lock on the door. If your bedroom doesn’t have a lock install one. Most bathrooms have locks. Go take a “long bath” and lock out the world. If you’re worried about the “sounds” you could make take a radio/cd player into the bathroom and make sure the volume is loud enough to drown out any sounds you might make.

Time. Masturbation is about treating yourself. Don’t short change yourself when it comes to taking your time to get off. You’re not going to time a soothing bubble bath are you? So why try to rush rubbing one out? For your first couple sessions give yourself a good hour to play. Even if you already know how to get off take your time, tease yourself, delay your climax for as long as you can. Part of what makes a great orgasm so explosive is the build up. Even if you can get yourself to orgasm in record time, coming too soon can often times feel anti-climactic. Get yourself close to climax and then back off a little, fondle your breasts or inner lips, stay away from your clit, then when you've calmed down a little go back in for strong stimulation on your clit. You'd be surprised by how much a little patience can pay off.

Patience. Especially if you’re new to masturbation and orgasms, it may take some practice to find what works for you. Learning your body is kind of like riding a bike, it takes some trial and error to figure things out. (At least you won’t need a helmet for this.) Be open to trying different things; Your fingers, vibrators, or even dry humping a couch cushion. Some of you may laugh, but there are some very sated dry humpers in the sexual world. Different strokes for different folks is 100% true. If you've never masturbated how do you know what's going to feel good until you try it?

Relax. Orgasms aren’t going to come if you’re stressed out. You can rub your clit like you’re trying to start a fire and all it will get it you a sore crotch and a tendinitis. Try to push everything out of your mind. This isn't the time to make shopping lists, think about your taxes or even worry about a fight you have with your partner. This is YOU time. Think about yourself and getting yourself off. Breath slowly, focus on releasing the tension from your muscles one at a time. Close your eyes. Do whatever it takes to get you to a relaxed state to enable you to get turned on.

Mood. This is probably 80% of sex, whether it’s with someone or alone. If you’re not already turned on, it’s going to be hard to get off, if not completely impossible. You need to warm up the oven before you can bake anything, and the same is true for your girl parts. You need to wine and dine yourself, metaphorically speaking. Don’t just walk in the door from work, shuck your jeans and try to get a quick orgasm in before dinner (that move is for experts, only). You need to set the mood, get into the mind set and get your juices flowing. And we do mean juices. Rubbing your fingers on a dry pussy is not only NOT going to get you off it's going to be uncomfortable, and possibly painful. Sexual arousal stimulates female lubrication which will enhance the friction of rubbing your clit. Now if you're normally dry you cold use a drop of lube, but unless you have an actual medical condition I would avoid shortcuts. Your body has a nature process it goes through when it's turned on, signals to show you that you're getting closer to an orgasm. Lubrication, hard nipples, goosebumps and accelerated heart rate are all signs that you are getting in the mood.

Inspiration. For women especially, this is the most important component to getting off. You need to know what turns you on and use it to get yourself off. This is important not just for masturbation, but to be a great sex partner as well. After all, how can you help your partner get you off if you don’t even know what turns you on? Here's the homework segment. You need to sit down and think about things that get you sexually excited: Fics, images, scenes from movies, etc. Is it the scene from a fic where Edward talks dirty to Bella or when he gives Jasper a blow job? Is it scene in a movie where the characters are stripping for each other? Is it the way a male actor casually brushes his hair from his eyes. Find whatever turns you on, bring it into your masturbation session and use it. Watch or read it before you even start to touch yourself, think about what specifically turns you on about the scene, movement, words. Close your eyes and visualize it. Try to modify it, add yourself to the scene, or imagine yourself in the place of one of the players. Use your imagination, because your brain is your largest sexual organ and it is the most effective tool to get you to an orgasm, more so than any sex toy. When you start to touch yourself (slowly, remember not to rush through the fun) play your fantasies out in your mind, watch porn or read erotica try to capture that feeling these things give to you. Try to focus on how your body feels when you’re turned on, so that when you inspire it in your own body through masturbation or even during sex with a partner you can know that you’re doing the right thing.


Masturbation is sex, it’s just sex that you have with yourself. As such, you should give it the consideration that you would give any other kind of sex. Treat it like a special occasion, get ready for it. Dress up for it, find clothes or lingerie that makes you feel sexy. Have a glass of wine, light some candles or put on some sexy music. Take yourself on a date before you put out. You’re worth it, and trust me, the orgasm is worth it too. ;)

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Do you have a question for Naughty Nurse Kimpy? Click the banner below, fill out the form, and get your answer in the next installment of Ask Naughty Nurse Kimpy.

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Sexy Reads: Naked in Death

Naked in Death by
Genre: Science Fiction Mystery Romance
Where to find it: Amazon, B&N, GoodReads
Summary: In a world of danger and deception, she walks the line--between seductive passion and scandalous murder... Eve Dallas is a New York police lieutenant hunting for a ruthless killer. In over ten years on the force, she's seen it all--and knows her survival depends on her instincts. And she's going against every warning telling her not to get involved with Roarke, an Irish billionaire--and a suspect in Eve's murder investigation. But passion and seduction have rules of their own, and it's up to Eve to take a chance in the arms of a man she knows nothing about--except the addictive hunger of needing his touch

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I’m a long time fan of science fiction and many years ago a friend of mine, knowing my love of the genre, recommended this book series to me. Now, at the time I was a bit of a snob and was reluctant to read the books because they were shelved with the Romance novels. *gasps* I know, I know. Luckily, I got over myself, picked up the first book and instantly fell in love.

Naked in Death is a perfect introduction to a series. It blends romance and mystery within a very believable futuristic setting. The characters are vibrant, compelling and the story sucks you in. Not to mention the sex scenes are HOT!

Eve Dallas is a hard woman to like, she frustrates the shit out me, but for all the right reasons. She’s a complex women with deep wounds, who copes with them by isolating herself emotionally from others and allowing her work to take over her life. It’s refreshing to have a multi-dimensional woman at the lead of a book series. She is strong, capable, but also human, vulnerable and lonely. While you may not always agree with the choices she makes, there is no doubt she is making them and capable of dealing with the consequences of those decisions.

The medication was seeping in turning pain into a mist. "You've got great hands…And you're so pretty. So pretty. I keep wondering what you're doing here."

"I keep asking myself the same question."

Then there is Roarke. The enigmatic Irish Billionaire may be a murder suspect, but is definitely interested in Eve. He comes off as the typical Alpha male of romance cliches, but very quickly smashes his way out of the box. While his money and power have questionable roots, his intentions with Eve are pure...err in a way.

"I don't think I'm in love with you anymore, I know I am." 

Like I said above the sex scenes are smoldering and a big part of that is the chemistry between these two seemingly opposites. Their banter is priceless and thick with sexual tensions, but there are also moments of sweetness that will make your heart clench.

They’re really the key of the series. Though the backdrop will delight any sci fi fan, and the mystery will keep you turning the pages. At the end of the day it’s the connection and unlikely romance between these two people that is the heart of these book and series.

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Jeanne is a lifelong reader, nerd and unrepentant lover of smut. While she’s not a girly girl she is a sucker for a well written love story. When she’s not reading or writing, she can be found wasting time on Twitter and Tumblr. Check out the other books she loves on GoodReads.

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15,000-year-old words, Moms of all kinds, Sexy Undies, and Crazy life forms...

  Sexy News

A weekly round up on sexual health and entertainment news.

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General

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Linguists identify 15,000-year-old "ultraconserved words"
So what does that mean exactly? There are approximately two dozen words that have survived in language today that were probably spoken at least 15,000 years ago.

You, hear me! Give this fire to that old man. Pull the black worm off the bark and give it to the mother. And no spitting in the ashes!

It's an odd little speech. But if you went back 15,000 years and spoke these words to hunter-gatherers in Asia in any one of hundreds of modern languages, there is a chance they would understand at least some of what you were saying.

A team of researchers has come up with a list of two dozen "ultraconserved words" that have survived 150 centuries. It includes some predictable entries: "mother," "not," "what," "to hear" and "man." It also contains surprises: "to flow," "ashes" and "worm."

The existence of the long-lived words suggests there was a "proto-Eurasiatic" language that was the common ancestor to about 700 contemporary languages that are the native tongues of more than half the world’s people.

Clearly I'm a bit of a history and word nerd, but the idea that if we were to travel back in time at least a few words might be understandable by our ancestors. Cool stuff.

The modern history of swearing: Where all the dirtiest words come from
I have the mouth of a merchant marine. Seriously. I have raised obscenity to a high art forms. Still, I didn't know where all those wonderfully colorful words came from.If you've ever wanted to know the history of bloody, bugger, bitch, shit, fuck, and cock-sucker, this one's for you. I'll bugger off now and leave you to read.

Creepy or Cool? Portraits Derived From the DNA in Hair and Gum Found in Public Places
I'm going with creepy. From the looks of it our DNA can actually show scientists what we look like. A Ph.D student in New York is collecting stray hairs, chewed gum and cigarette butts when she's out and about, sequencing the DNA found in the samples, and is producing 3D printed models of the faces the DNA suggests of the people who "left the sample". If you have a chance there's several photos that accompany this article that have to be seen to be believed. If you think about it, we're constantly leaving our DNA evidence all over as we move about each day. It's interesting to think about the implications of that in the art. Fascinating stuff.

Commander Chris Hadfield sings "Space Oddity" in the first music video in space
I've been following Commander Hadfield on both Twitter and Tumblr while he's been on the International Space Station. He's been taking photos and videos from space and posting them for all of us Earth-bound folks to enjoy. Now his time on the ISS is over, so he's pushed it to 11 and given us a music video filmed in space. Way cool. Check him out.

It's Official: Password strength meters aren't security theater
Sites that show the relative strength of your chosen password vs the passwords of others encourage people to pick stronger passwords. Passwords are hugely important, and my rule of thumb is to use one password for email, another for financial institutions, and yet several more for other websites. Never, ever, ever make your password for your credit cards or bank the same as your email password. If you do, someone could hack your email and then get into your finances. I tend to suggest people use a passphrase, which can be much harder to crack than even a random password.

Health

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How Motherhood Makes You Smarter
I'm not a mom, well, not to any human kids. I have a couple of furkids of the feline variety in my house, but I'm not sure that counts here. Studies have shown that motherhood improves a woman's memory, problem-solving ability and even her ability to handle stress. In honor of the US celebration of Mother's Day last Sunday I thought this article should be shared. To all you moms out there, you rock.

Lost in Medication

Psychiatrists who take time with their patients are not the norm. It's not because others don't care. Rather the system rewards efficiency, not empathy.

Studies have shown that patients taking placebo who have a good relationship with their psychiatrist have better outcomes than patients taking the active drug who do not have that strong personal connection.

I can say from my personal experience that it was crucial for me to have talk therapy as well as medication to learn to live with my obsessive-compulsive disorder. Studies are showing that medication alone is not doing patients as much good as medication combined with therapy. Both may be needed, but it's the therapy that seems to be lacking in many clinics and hospitals. As we become more and more aware of the issues facing the mentally ill and neuro-atypical, I hope that we find a way to get more people into the help they need as a matter of public health.

Europeans are basically one big family
Those of us of European ancestry aren't as close as Icelanders potentially are, but we are probably all cousins with a common family from around 1,000 years ago.

Coop and Ralph found that the degree of genetic relatedness between two people tends to be smaller the farther apart they live. But even a pair of individuals who live as far apart as the United Kingdom and Turkey—a distance of some 2,000 miles—likely are related to all of one another's ancestors from a thousand years ago.

Perhaps we all need to think about the fact that every person on this planet is related. We are all likely descended from a "mitochondrial Eve", and I use that to remember to treat people with kindness, as they are my very distantly related kin.

It's Official: Password strength meters aren't security theater

Sex

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A Primer on What Sex Does (And Doesn't) Do To Your Vagina and Butthole
1) The vagina is a muscle that's crazy stretchy. That whole "hotdog in a hallway" thing is crap.

A locked up, squeezed up, shut-down vagina is a tense, non-aroused one, not a virginal one. Sure, virgins may be less comfortable with their bodies or sexuality (MAYBE! NOT ALWAYS) in ways that make intercourse more tentative due to inexperience, but usually, the reason a vag is not good and ready to take a dick is because it hasn't been made to feel that way. It doesn't want to. (In fact, extreme tightness is more likely to be vaginismus, not virginity.)

2) Your butthole will not stretch out from consensual and pleasurable anal sex. Use lots of lube and relax, and your butthole will be just fine.

Pleasurable anal sex does not cause harm to your anus or rectum. And as long as your partner does not have a sexually transmitted infection, neither semen nor sperm are harmful to your rectum.

Yay! Now let's all go have some hot sex! Well, not necessarily together, but certainly let's all fuck in the spirit of awesome fucking in our respective abodes!

Does This Pearl Front Thong Shock You? My Encounter with Bracli Pearl Thongs
So... underwear that can get you "going". You know... Like that.

... what about the name? It’s a creative word compounded of two Spanish ones: BRAga and CLItoris (underwear and clitoris). According to its website, "Bracli is the result of combining intimate clothing with the subtle stimulation of the most sensitive parts of a woman’s body." Luis Alvarez, Bracli’s inventor who patented the design in 1996, writes, "However, there is a stimulus that is more important than just the physical, more intense than the soft rubbing of the pearls, which is that Bracli stimulates the imagination and invites you to imagine. It is an invitation that is extended not only to the woman who wears Bracli, but also to whoever wants to share this experience as an accomplice, as a confidant… The excitement is contagious to all who participate in this pleasureful experience."

Someone needs to write this into fic. For serious. Note: I kinda want to try them. *cough* Note 2: They make a men's version. Note 3: Does anyone else want to refer to this as "broccoli"? Note 4: They're real pearls. Not sure about the black ones. o.O

LGBT

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Google's Mother's Day Video Celebrates Gay Moms, Too
Cover Story: Happy Mothers’ Day
Moms come in all shapes and sizes, some are straight, some are gay, and some are bi. What's nice about these two pieces is that they celebrate ALL moms, not just some narrow depiction.

Rep. Pocan's Husband First Same-Sex Spouse Recognized by Congress
Rep. Mark Pocan, from Wisconsin, married Philip Frank in Canada in 2006. Unfortunately the Defense of Marriage Act currently bars Frank from spousal benefits, but that may change if the Supreme Court rules against DOMA this Summer. Still, the symbolism is pretty great.

6 Clips to Remember Legend Taylor Mead
Actor, poet and artist (and Warhol Superstar) Taylor Mead died last week at the age of 88. I was fortunate enough to meet Ultra Violet at a book signing once, but I never did get to experience Taylor Mead in person. When I was a teenager I was obsessed with Warhol, the Factory and his films. Mead was the quintessential New York bohemian, and lived his live openly and fearlessly.

As has been noted in obituaries, Village Voice film critic J. Hoberman called Mead "the first underground movie star" and it's said that Andy Warhol invented the term superstar to describe Mead. He appeared in more than 100 films (although some are locked away in the Warhol Archives and difficult to get ahold of) and and remained a prolific painter and writer, regularly performing at the Bowery Poetry Club in New York City's East Village.

Mead continued to paint, write and perform until very recently. He will be missed.

Minnesota senate passes gay marriage bill, governor to sign
It sure does feel like momentum, doesn't it?

Environmental

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New Lizard Species Look Like Evil Dinosaur Hybrids
It amazes me that scientists are still finding and cataloging new species as we roll well into the 21st century. Some of these little guys look a lot like Godzilla.

How many more species are out there for us to find?

Life on Earth… but not as we know it
Speaking of species we haven't yet found, it's entirely possible that there's all kinds of weird life here on earth that we're not even aware of, because it's so weird we haven't recognized it as life yet.

New Meat-Eating Plant Species Found In Japan
Meat-eating plants fascinate me. I had a venus fly trap when I was a kid, but it eventually died because I have a seriously black thumb. This particular plant is a "sundew":

Sundews ...have tentacles, looking like very small spines topped with a clear drop of dew, hence the name. It isn't dew, of course; it's a sort of sticky mucous that traps insects, where they die of exhaustion, dehydration, starvation, or suffocation, to be digested by the enzymes within the mucous

It's not big enough to eat humans, but still... A little creepy.

WTF

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[VIDEO] Listen to Tan Mom's new dance single
My ears. They bleed.

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